


King Cedar's Bible

by EagleStaff



Category: HIMS (Real-Life)
Genre: HIMS, The Bible - Freeform, Wtf why, swears
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2017-07-30
Updated: 2017-07-30
Packaged: 2018-12-09 00:58:18
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Major Character Death
Chapters: 4
Words: 1,871
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11658297
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/EagleStaff/pseuds/EagleStaff





	1. God n Shit: Chapter 1, I guess.

void; ok so there's this guy AND HIS NAME IS GOD so he's like “it's really lonely out here in the void” so he was like “BAM LIGHT” and suddenly there was light I guess???? And so god thought that was pretty _lit _. He also decided the light and darkness should be divided because night and day or whatever. And then there was this “firmament” thing or whatever and god was like “get  
that away from the water and we'll call it heaven k” and so that happened. and then god said “LET’S MAKE LAND” or something because boom suddenly there was land in the water. “Yeah I'm naming that earth” god said so now it's called earth. so then god was like “ok we got that now we just need grass and fruit,” so that appeared and so god was like “that’s lit too” and so it was  
13 And yeah so like another day passed and everything was chill.  
14And God was like, let’s stick some lights up in this joint so we can have weather and seasons and years and all that good shit y’know.15And they gotta be in the heaven and put some light on the earth cuz duh otherwise it’d be useless...  
So god added in two big ol light thingies and there was one for nighttime (like the moon and shit) and one for daytime which obviously is the sun.   
17 And he just stuck em right up in the sky  
18 And yeah so like there was one for day and night and god thought it was pretty neato.   
19And that was like another day and stuff which is the fourth one even though god only just made the sun???  
20 so then god said, let’s bring some water that’ll bring in some animals and there’ll be birds and stuff  
21 So then god made a bunch of animals like birds and whales and they were all over the place.  
22 Then god was like, dude just procreate a bunch we need more peeps, so then there were a bunch of fish and birds and shit.  
23And then that was the fifth day.  
24 So then god was like, hey dude let’s get some more creatures up in this joint, so then there were land creatures like cows, and that stuff was good.  
26 So then god was like, hey lemme make a dude just like me an he gon be in charge o everything.  
27 So then god just created a dude and he was cool.  
28 So then he was like y’all procreate a bunch too cuz why not. Also you’re in charge of all this shit on this godforsaken planet, don’t fuck it up.  
29And God said, dude check this shit out, there’s a bunch of stuff you can eat from and it’s all thanks to me!  
30 also the animals and shit have food so peta won’t kill me.  
31 yeah that was the sixth day.__


	2. 2

1 And then everything was done.   
2 Then God decided to chill because it was all done. Also it was the seventh day of existence.  
3 Also God decided that the seventh day needed to be a rest day for everyone because he got to rest and it was only fair.   
4 Yeah so that’s how that whole creation of the area went, with the earth and the heavens and shit.  
5 Also there were like no plants cuz god didn’t make any people or water to help them.  
6 And then he made some magical mist rise from the ground or some shit and that made it all cool.  
7 And then god made a dude using the dirt from the earth and breathed sentience in through his nose.  
8 Then god just stuck a garden over in some place called eden and put the dude he created in there.  
9 And then god grew some plants all over the place for all kinds of stuff, like food and aesthetics and also the tree of life and the tree of knowledge.   
So there was like a couple rivers goin all over the fuckin place but nobody actually cared

15 So god stuck the dude in the garden so he could do some chill gardening.   
16 Then God was like, eat any food you want, we chill.  
17 Just don’t eat from the knowledge tree because you might die.   
18 Then God was like, shit, man! I just made this dude and he’s totally alone! That’s pretty cruel.  
19 Using a bunch of shit from the earth, God made some animals and birds; and he showed them to Adam and Adam named every single one.  
20And he just legit named everything like cows and birds and stuff.  
21 So god just took out adam’s ribs but don’t worry everything is chill cuz he put him to sleep and sowed him all up after.   
22 So then he basically took this rib thing and made it into a woman so they could chill together.   
23And Adam was like, dude this chick is pretty cool cuz she’s like made of my bones and flesh and shit so we should call her a woman  
24 and then man hasta leave his parents so he can fuck woman or whatever being one with body means.  
25And they didn’t have any clothes but they didn’t care because nobody had told them to.  
CENSORED


	3. 3

{3:1} so the serpent dude was pretty smart and he was like, yo didnt god say you couldnt eat from that one tree?  
{3:2} and then the woman was like, yeah bro we can eat pretty much whatever we want  
{3:3} but the tree in the middle is 1000% nope and we’ll like die or something  
{3:4} and then the snek dude was like yo you won’t die  
{3:5} actually you’ll learn and be smart so go right ahead  
{3:6} so then the woman and the man ate together cuz the fruit was yummy and good  
{3:7} and then they noticed that they were both all naked and shit so they freaked out and sewed some fig leaves   
{3:8} and then the two of them like heard god walking around w/ godlike swag and they had to hide  
{3:9} Then God was like, Adam where you at dude?  
{3:10} And he said, I heard you talking and i was scared of you seeing my no-no zone.   
{3:11} And he was like, dude we were chill with that. Did you eat from the knowledge tree?  
{3:12} And the man was like, please dude! It was the chick’s fault, she handed me the fruit so i ate.  
{3:13} So god looked at the woman and was like, really? Why’d you do that? And she was like, the snek told me to so i did  
{3:14} So god said to the serpent, really bro?? Now you gotta slide around on your tummy all your life and eat dirt.   
{3:15} so now the snek’s fam and ur fam gon fite forever good luck  
3:16} then he looked at the girl and he was all, you aint finished yet bitch now you gotta be in pain when you give birth because you done fucked up   
{3:17} Because you listened to your wife, and ate that fruit, the ground is against you now, so may the odds be never in your favor  
{3:18} Thorns and thistles and shit are gonna pop up and you’ll have to eat herbs.  
{3:19} also you gotta eat bread because you’re made out of dirt and one day you’ll be dirt so get roasted you little shit  
{3:20} So then adam decided his wife’s name should be eve because she was everyone’s mom.  
{3:21} so god made adam and eve some cool threads to wear out of the skin of their enemies  
{3:22} so god decided that he wouldn’t let the dudes he’d created near the garden of eden or else they’d live forever  
{3:23} so then he brought him away to another place  
{3:24} and then he put him at the east bit of the garden


	4. 4

{4:1} so then they had a kiddo named cain and adam was happy cuz cain was from the lord  
{4:2} then they had another kiddo called abel, and he took care of sheeples and cain grew plants.  
{4:3} And so like Cain brought god some fruit   
{4:4} Abel brought sheep guts to god and god liked it but he didn't like fruit  
{4:5} so god gave zero shit about cain’s gift and cain felt really mad cuz he’s petty as fuck  
{4:6}And the lord was like, Cain, why you bein so sad?  
{4:7}uh if u do well youll be accepted but if ya do bad ur full of SIN  
{4:8}yeah so then cain killed abel i guess idk why.   
{4:9}so god was like yo cain wheres ur brother we had a lacrosse game and cain said i aint in charge of him binch?   
{4:10}so god said “oh my self you killed him didnt you.” and cain was like yeah i guess;;.  
{4:11}ur cursed my dude said god;  
{4:12}and ur farming’s gonna go to shit.   
{4:13}then why dont u just kill me huh? huH? Said cain.   
{4:15}and god said hey yall who ever finds this guy: kill im.  
{4:16} so cain ran away to nod because he hadnt really meant it.  
{4:17} then cain had a kid and named a city after him. Oh his name was Enoch btw.  
{4:18} and then his kids had some kids and so forth until Methusael begat Lamech.   
{4:19} And Lamech had two wives cause hes chill with polyamoury and their names were Zillah and Adah  
{4:20} And Adah bare Jabal: he was the father of such as dwell in tents, and [of such as have] cattle.  
{4:21} And his brother’s name [was] Jubal: he was the father of all such as handle the harp and organ.   
{4:22} And Zillah, she also bare Tubal- cain, an instructer of every artificer in brass and iron: and the sister of Tubal-cain [was] Naamah.   
{4:23} And Lamech said unto his wives, Adah and Zillah, Hear my voice; ye wives of Lamech, hearken unto my speech: for I have slain a man to my wounding, and a young man to my hurt.  
24: If Cain shall be avenged sevenfold, truly Lamech seventy and sevenfold. And to Seth, to him also there was born a son; and he called his name Enos: then began men to call upon the name of the LORD.   
25: And Adam knew his wife again; and she bare a son, and called his name Seth: For God, said she, hath appointed me another seed instead of Abel, whom Cain slew.  
26: And to Seth, to him also there was born a son; and he called his name Enos: then began men to call on the name of the EDGELORD


End file.
